It's been a while-Learning something while I am away

It's been a while since I last blogged-for a few reasons.


1. I have no Internet right now.

And.......

2. I haven't had much going on to blog about. I have been working non-stop and in between, I have been sick.


What makes today different?


1. I'm at my parents house using their Internet. (Well now I am finishing my blog at the good ole library.)
2. I just saw the movie, Precious.
3. I am reading the book The 5 People You Meet In Heaven.
4. I just spent half my day with Tim and Kris.



After watching Precious on Saturday night, I found myself really wanting to be used by God to affect peoples lives in the same way the teacher in the movie affected the life of Precious. She gave her a safe place to grow and provided firm but loving motivation. My prayer and reflection on Sunday morning was about that very subject. I do not see myself living a traditional ministry life, but I do want to effect people's lives in a positive way. I am thinking that living a life with too much fluff (negative relationships and negative distractions) keep me from being able to see people (on a regular basis) that may need some encouragement, love, understanding, or what have you. I recommend watching Precious to anyway, because there are many things one can take away from watching it. I cried the whole time, but I wasn't left feeling hopeless and down because in my mind it raised awareness. Awareness that there are people out there who's lives are tough and they have no idea that it can be better. Sure we can't change certain circumstances but there are definitely circumstances that can change by us gaining knowledge and having someone in our corner encouraging us.

I am also reading The 5 People You Meet In Heaven, and I am convinced that it is no coincidence that I am learning this lesson now in life. There are so many people who's lives are connected to mine, I may not understand the fullness of it now, but I would like to take it seriously. I found myself on Monday in the courtyard of the apartments that Tim and Kris live in reading this story. Then I experienced it in my time with them. Tim and Kris are definitely are two people who can affect your life just by hanging out with them. I left my time with them feeling encouraged, loved, and like I have some people in my corner. I hope to be that way for someone in my life.

I know I always go back to talking about Alex but he is a huge part of my life. We both believe God brought us together, if not for anything but for changing each others lives in a positive way. If at the end of time all I got from my relationship with Alex is time with him, it would be far more valuable than anything I could imagine.

So ultimately that is the lesson I am learning. Learning that time with people is what it's all about. Yes I would like a good job, a home, marriage, kids, but far more than those things, I would like, love, understanding, and time with the people I love. And I would like to give that to people.

Organizing my life

To describe what I go through, I have said many times, "I need organization in order to live, but I am not naturally organized." One of the things that gives me the most anxiety in my life, is when I am not organized. Since I have been home from Alaska, I have struggled to get organized, I have been out of work and out of a normal routine for two months now. Here are small examples. If I don't have the type of planner I am used to, gym I normally go to, cleaning products I like to use, it's difficult for me to get organized to do normal things, like plan my schedule, work out, and clean. It's not that I am snobby and picky, I am just one of those familiarity addicts. The irony of this, is that I have moved 3 times in the past year. Who does that? Geez.

Last night found me in a very insecure place, it's amazing because no matter how many people affirm you, when you are dealing with a stronger voice deep inside, that voice tends to win. I spent the evening crying, some of it in Alex's arms, I felt helpless, and weak. We talked about feeling like a child, that's how I felt last night, like a child. He understood and did his best to comfort me. Any type of change in environment and I feel anxious, right now I am in a foreign place where it's a struggle to control my environment in order to keep myself calm. I know by now you are probably thinking this girl needs drugs, well I have done fine without drugs thus far, but the time that it takes to adjust to any new situations is a crazy time, as you can probably sense by this blog.

The anxiety I experienced last night, I know came from a combination of hormones, all the weight I've gained, exhaustion, my apartment being a mess, and my first day back at Seaworld. It was a happy day at Seaworld, but going back means, going back the the goals I needed to conquer before I left. I really wanted to return, a person ready to take on the challenges that overtook me when I was there previously. Tours, being more professional, being more of a leader rather than a passive educator/camp counselor.

I know it's all going to come together, it usually does-but the journey can be like torture(I think I need to spend more time crying out to God). I am blessed to have Alex, my mom, and my sisters who I feel I can tell anything to, sometimes it's just easier to write it out.