I'm fascinated by what scares me and
have to face anything that freaks me out.
Anything.
Sometimes I even become obsessed,
and have to control everything that sends me into a panic.
Watching and planning helps me control.
Knowing where my enemy is, knowing what my enemy is doing.
It's like I become a military strategist or something.
I want it put in a box, but I won't touch it.
These things have to be perfectly timed.
I'm watching you.....
Silverfish.
House fly.
Fill in the blank- spider.
I'm watching your every move.
I won't kill you.
But I won't rest until you're gone
Read with me, as I learn to capture the color of life, through my canvas of choice...
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Prey
I have been analyzing, fixing, going back and forth, working on it, and you know what? I am finally seeing results. There are so many mindsets that I can be a slave to and as often as I feel weak and buried by them, just when I need it, I have hope.
I have to be honest, today I felt like prey. But I still went out there and lived life. There are things that need to be done and if we let the polar bears in life intimidate us, what's the point of living? I have to continue to get out there and take chances, stick my head out of the ice holes in life (there's oxygen I need out there) and take the chance that a 12 inch wide polar bear paw may just take a swipe at me.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Good girl
This week after acting like a disapproving mother for the umpteenth time towards Alex, I posted on my facebook that I'm a square. People praised me, raised an eyebrow, Alex even came up with some random story as to what it all means. Here's the post.
It's true, there are just some things out there that I don't feel comfortable with. They tend to be things that in themselves are not bad, but for whatever reason the goody two shoes comes out in me and I veto them with a reject stamp. Not just things Alex does, but anyone I come into contact with, that square mother comes out in me. "No, you shouldn't eat a 7-11 hot dog- Yes, that friend is a bad influence- No, I don't want to go to Vegas-You bought how many lottery tickets? You smoked what?" Not only am I a square for not doing certain things, but I have many square tendencies that keep me: Following rules, not calling in sick at work, not telling white lies, never drinking more than one or two, not showing cleavage, feeling guilty for saying the wrong things, going to the library for fun, you know, the usual.
I know where all this comes from, the voice in my head that says: "Traci, be a good girl."
That voice is that of my very strict mother, always expecting perfection and a little disappointed that her firstborn was in fact a "bad girl". At least I was back then, it took years to make the good girl that I am today. These days that bad girl tends to stay under lock and key, only coming out when it's safe. When will I be completely free to be human and imperfect? I'm working on separating perfectionism from reasonable healthy standards and getting better, but I simply don't know when or if I will ever find a balance. For now I am learning to be okay with myself, good girl, bad girl, or square.
Traci is a square.
- Efren: i never knew that...i'm a round square then! hahahah. lmbo. Have a blessed day at work cuzin. keep in touch.
- Traci:Whether it's cute, hip, or unknown that I am square, it is what it is. I'm polishing my penny loafers as I type this out.
- Alex: By “square”, Traci means that, rather than caring what everyone else thinks, she likes what she likes, says what she thinks and loves who she loves- this quadrilateral right here. If someone like Ke$ha is a round peg, then I’m glad I’ve got Tra¢I to fill my square hole. Wait… let me rephrase that.
- Marjorie :More of a trapezoid, I'd say.
- Alex: And you, my friend, are a rhombus. So there.
It's true, there are just some things out there that I don't feel comfortable with. They tend to be things that in themselves are not bad, but for whatever reason the goody two shoes comes out in me and I veto them with a reject stamp. Not just things Alex does, but anyone I come into contact with, that square mother comes out in me. "No, you shouldn't eat a 7-11 hot dog- Yes, that friend is a bad influence- No, I don't want to go to Vegas-You bought how many lottery tickets? You smoked what?" Not only am I a square for not doing certain things, but I have many square tendencies that keep me: Following rules, not calling in sick at work, not telling white lies, never drinking more than one or two, not showing cleavage, feeling guilty for saying the wrong things, going to the library for fun, you know, the usual.
I know where all this comes from, the voice in my head that says: "Traci, be a good girl."
That voice is that of my very strict mother, always expecting perfection and a little disappointed that her firstborn was in fact a "bad girl". At least I was back then, it took years to make the good girl that I am today. These days that bad girl tends to stay under lock and key, only coming out when it's safe. When will I be completely free to be human and imperfect? I'm working on separating perfectionism from reasonable healthy standards and getting better, but I simply don't know when or if I will ever find a balance. For now I am learning to be okay with myself, good girl, bad girl, or square.
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